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This short work was first published at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency as a Review of New Food.

Review of New Food:
“Caribou Coffee Granola Bar”
by Will Hindmarch

With my Kroger card, it was two boxes for $4. I’m a sucker for that old trick. I might buy and eat two copies of Tim Allen’s The Shaggy Dog if it were on a two-for-cheap special with my Kroger card—I’d put them in a Ziploc bag, smash them into chips, and eat them with hummus.

The coffee smell, once I’d opened one of the boxes and then a bar, was palpable. I could’ve grabbed that first fume of joe and run it through my hair like soap. That smell is the main reason I’d think about buying another box. Otherwise, the Caribou Coffee Granola Bar just tastes like another granola bar with a chocolate skirt. They taste fine.