Any of you remember the V For Vendetta trailer? Well, happy Guy Fawkes Day, Warner Brothers. Why the hell didn’t you release your movie yesterday, when it would’ve been geekily well-read and English of you?
Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States ofAmerica:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus togovern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Thenlook up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour.
Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half theletters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter U and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save TheQueen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many guns, lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permitwill be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish: this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will see what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced by roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) – roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and what you insist on calling a chip is properly called a crisp. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed notwith ketchup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to asLager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play Englishcharacters.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation,
I may launch a newsletter soon!